Can I be honest? The Pilgrims were a bit uptight for my taste. Don’t get me wrong–I can totally dig the whole not-bowing-to-the-king idea, and I like black clothes and simplicity. On the other hand, I obviously don’t view piety as any kind of worthwhile endeavor. Least of all one worth getting on a wooden boat and sailing into the unknown for. But good for them, being principled and whatnot. And I would also add that they made a good show of being peaceful and friendly toward the native inhabitants of the Americas (unlike, say, that murderous asshat Christopher Columbus).
The first Thanksgiving is a nice reminder that we’re all in this together, no matter our race or religion, despite any barriers to communication, and whatever our goals for the future. We can all agree to stop arguing about politics and just carve the goddamned turkey already, Dad!
While I have your attention momentarily, let me offer my thanks for the following things:
1. Cider beer
Even sissies like me should be able to look manly, a pint of golden brew in front of us on the bar.
2. Disposable diapers
Thank you, Valerie Hunter-Gordon! I am grateful that you saved me from hand-scrubbing poo stains from white cloth. (And what idiot chose white, anyway?)
3. Hormone-injected turkeys
Let’s be frank–the breast is the best part, and birds with that much white meat would not survive in nature. They are genetic monsters bred for our consumption. Boy, are they delicious!
4. My kids
Sure, they whine and scream and Ian shits himself and Mia asks Why? every three seconds, but they also smile and laugh and dance and shoot me with their finger-guns. They are adorable and sweet and I love them.
Chauffeur, critic, comedienne, cuddler, cook, caretaker, crank, companion. My best friend by far. I’m thankful that the woman I needed in life was the woman I actually got. (I love you!)
Enjoy the holiday. Over-eat. Drink too much wine. Pass out on the couch watching football. And remember that we’re in this together, you and I.
Thanks for that.