Mia is climbing on me and yelling ribbit! in my ear, despite the fact that frogs don’t generally attempt to irritate adult-sized humans. She has no commitment to character. Of course, why she’s a frog is beyond me, we’re just watching The Nightmare Before Christmas for the thirtieth time, not some nature documentary.
Unless she’s not trying to be a frog at all. Maybe her character is really an aggressively annoying child, in which case Brava! to her for out-doing Meryl Streep in fully immersing herself in the role. Are there Academy Awards for Best Tantrum Design or Worst Sound Mixing? (In my opinion, Best Tantrum and Worst Sound often go to the same performance.)
She leans into my face and says, Bite my arm as hard as you can and then when I open my mouth to pretend-bite her, she sneezes into it. Fuck, she’s good.
As this horror spreads down my throat and into my churning stomach, she hops off my chest and starts kicking a beach ball around the living room, keeping it away from her brother, who is starting to cry. (He is playing the oft-tormented Younger Child.)
What is my role in this? Why am I not stepping in to bring peace to my living room? I’m playing an anthropologist, just observing and recording, hoping I didn’t just catch some rare illness from my subject.