What My Son Said This Afternoon, Translated to Intelligible English

Where’s Mommy?
I want my blanket.
And some milk.
No, I don’t need a new diaper.
I like being wet.
No seriously. Don’t change me.
Asshole.
Put Toy Story on for me.
No, not the DVD–the blu-ray.
Don’t sit there. That’s my chair!
Also, don’t sit on the couch.
No, I don’t know why.
Put your phone down.
No, I don’t know why.
Okay, I’m done with this. Let’s play.
Don’t turn the TV off!
Is Mommy around?
I’m hungry.
Do we have any potato chips?
Potato chips.
Potato chips, motherfucker!
I’m not eating this shit.
It looks healthy. Yuck.
Mommy knows what I like. Find her.
Let’s compromise. Fruit snacks?
They have fruit. That’s nutritious.
Just get me down.
Now!
I wanna play ball.
Don’t lay down.
Catch!
Why are you mad at me?
I’m sorry!
You make me feel terrible!
I…am…so…ashamed…
No, I can’t stop crying!
Oh…what?
Fruit snacks?
I guess I’ll be fine.
Sucker.

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