How to Keep a Woman

We all know that women are fickle creatures. Their feeble minds cannot bear to focus on one thing for an extended period of time without fatigue setting in. They can become confused and wander off. Sometimes a particularly difficult woman might run away. Throughout history, men have struggled with the idea of how best to keep their women. Worry no more! At last, a five-step plan to guarantee she’ll be there when you need her:

1. Provide for her.
Women, like any pet, require food and water on a regular basis. A balanced diet of organic foods is recommended, as it keeps their hair shiny and prevents health problems. Be careful not to offer her too many treats–this can confuse her. She might begin to believe cookies are an appropriate meal. And remember–giving a woman chocolate is very dangerous.

2. Give her a nice home.
Your woman will require clean, comfortable surroundings. (She can usually be trained to keep her environment clean, but you will have to be patient and firm for this instruction to work.) Be sure that her enclosure is spacious enough to allow for easy movement. Keep her away from sunlight, as this will remind her of freedom.

3. Do things together!
Most men acknowledge that they have a woman because they enjoy spending time with her, particularly when engaged in intercourse. Be sure to provide your woman with enough toys–stimulation will give her that frisky quality you’re looking for. As in any other aspect of your relationship, remind her that you are in control here. Do not be afraid to show her who’s boss.

4. Have her friends over!
She may become lonely being a kept woman. This is natural, but easily fixed. Call her friend and set up a time when the ladies can re-connect. Be sure to join them. Everyone can enjoy a nice evening of dinner, conversation, and three-way sex.

5. Keep her calm.
As you know, women suffer tremendously when asked to think about even the smallest decisions. It is your job to ease her mind by making all her choices for her. Tell her how to dress, what perfume to wear, when to speak, and what meal she should cook for you. She will be grateful that you are specific. It will help prevent headaches and fainting spells.

Good luck, gentlemen!

About semiblind

Bringing you stark existentialism since 1981.
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