(Day Two of National Poetry Writing Month.)
Which STD are you? I got herpes!
People may not always notice you
but once you’ve made yourself known
they’ll never forget you.
Your fiery outbursts
can be a real pain in the ass
but they’ll become increasingly mild
and less frequent with time. A
true friend, you’ll always be there
for those you love.
I have to say I’m kinda shocked
because I always considered myself
more of a gonnorhea guy. I wonder
what question it was that put me over
to that result. Was it the part about
my preferred slow jam? The only song
I recognized was Kid Rock’s Yo-Da-Lin
in the Valley. Is knowing that song
enough to give me herpes
or is there something about my
favorite color that’s symptomatic?
Then I learned from Buzzfeed that
if I was a shot I’d be a Fuzzy Navel
but that’s totally accurate because
just then I poked my index finger
into my belly button and found
a wad of lint in there. It was black
like the sweater I wore yesterday
even though I showered today. Oops.
There are so many more quizzes
waiting for me. Which ALF cast
member should I date? Who is my
Roman emperor soul mate? In
what hour should I really have been
born? How should I die? They have
a quiz for every question ever devised
around a water bong at 3 AM and I
will take them all, impressed by
how exact each description is, like
It was written just for me and not
a hundred thousand strangers.